pt 97: FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW

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Scampi: Your nose is shimmering in the heat.

Peter: Hardly.

Scampi: It is.

Peter: I feel rather sluggish.

Scampi: Like a slug!  Ha.

Peter: Not slug-like.

Scampi: A briny, spotted sluggy.

Peter: As you wish.

Scampi: I wish.

Peter: Do you think my face looks different?

Scampi: No.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: If we are apprehended, will you stick up for me?

Peter: Why would we be apprehended?

Scampi: On our grand adventure.  Anything is possible.

Peter: I do not believe you need to worry.

Scampi: Famous last words.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Would you?

Peter: Be apprehended?

Scampi: Stick up for me.  You know, take my side.

Peter: I suppose that would depend on what you had done.

Scampi: What I had done?  What’s that supposed to mean?

Peter: Well, I don’t know what you’ve been apprehended for.  How do I determine whether or not I will take your part in the debate?

Scampi: Ridiculous.

Peter: Excuse me?

Scampi: You’re supposed to be my partner in crime.

Peter: I am not a criminal.

Scampi: Of course not.  Neither am I.

Peter: [SIGHS.]

Scampi: Maybe we should be more careful.

Peter: In what respect?

Scampi: You know, cover our tracks.  That sort of thing.

Peter: We have nothing to hide.

Scampi: Do you think so?

Peter: This is a transparent operation.

Scampi: Oh, so it’s an operation, is it?

Peter: Uh.

Scampi: Well, that’s a comfort.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Maybe we could drag leaves behind us when we walk.  To cover our footprints in the snow.

Peter: It isn’t snowing.

Scampi: I know.  Don’t you think I know that?

Peter: I am unsure.

Scampi: Oh ye of little faith.

Peter: Are you addressing me?

Scampi: Apparently.

Peter: I cannot recall when last it snowed.

Scampi: So what?

Peter: Pardon?

Scampi: I can.

Peter: Oh?  And when was it?

Scampi: I’m sure we’d all like to know that.  Ho.  Ha ha.

Peter: And?

Scampi: It snowed in the wintertime.  Winter is for snowing.

Peter: Thank you.  That was terribly informative.

Scampi: Big, fat flakes.  All over your face, and the windows.

Peter: Hm.

Scampi: We wandered into the woods, and were not found.

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: We hid the evidence as we went.

Peter: I do not remember this occasion.

Scampi: It was a secret.

pt 133: A BRITISH GENTLEMAN

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Scampi: I have, which will unsurprise you, some few things to say.

Peter: I confess, it is undifficult to imagine such a circumstance.

Scampi: Yeah.  I know.  Some of what I have to say involves correspondence.

Peter: You plan to convey your thoughts in a letter?

Scampi: No.  I’ve just been thinking about the way people used to write to each other.

Peter: People can write to each other whenever they like.

Scampi: What if they can’t write?

Peter: Were you speaking about illiterate people?

Scampi: No.  I wasn’t.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Once upon a time, things were not so different from the way they are now.

Peter: Presumably.

Scampi: One British gentleman might address another.

Peter: This is most assuredly the case.

Scampi: The case now is one of a fragmented empire. And my de-masted heart.

Peter: This nautical analogy escapes me, I’m afraid.

Scampi: What are you talking about?

Peter: What are you talking about? You believe your left ventricle is seaworthy?

Scampi: Her Majesty’s Navy sailed upon a sea of tears.  Or something.

Peter: You seem distressed.

Scampi: I love it when you get all observant.  I’m, uh, so impressed.

Peter: There is no need to address me in this fashion.

Scampi: Fashion?  I love your style, Peter.

Peter: Oh, well.  I do what I can.

Scampi: You give tweed the stench of truth.  No one wears a garment like you do.

Peter: Well.

Scampi: King Arthur slept with his own sister.

Peter: Wasn’t she his half-sister?

Scampi: I’m pretty sure he got with both halves.

Peter: Ahem.

Scampi: Beaufort slept with his own sister.

Peter: Pardon me?

Scampi: He didn’t mean to.

Peter: I am unsure of where this is leading.

Scampi: Yes!  I know.  I am unsure of where this is leading.

PAUSE.

Scampi: A gentleman can express himself so beautifully.  And yet.

Peter: Many gentlemen do not express themselves well at all.

Scampi: Correct.  And a thing of beauty –

Peter: Is a Greek vase?

Scampi: Ha!  Look at us, slumming it on pottery row.

Peter: There is nothing wrong with a little crockery.

Scampi: Certainly not.  Certainly not.

Peter: You seem a touch out of spirits.

Scampi: Oh, there are plenty of spirits.  Stacked up high, a turbanful of ghosts.

Peter: A turban is quite a jaunty thing.  I enjoy a turban as well as the next man.

Scampi: What I want to know is, who’s the next man?

Peter: Mm.

Scampi: What’s that noise supposed to mean?

Peter: What noise?

Scampi: You just made a noise.

Peter: I don’t recall it.

Scampi: But you just did it.

Peter: I am sorry to disappoint you.

Scampi: Yeah, right.

Peter: That was uncalled for.

Scampi: Are you accustomed to being called for? By like, Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?

Peter: I am accustomed to you brandishing my name with, ahem, vigour. If that applies.

Scampi: Someone has to apply himself with vigour.  Why not me?

Peter: Indeed.

Scampi: “Indeed.”

PAUSE.

Scampi: I miss the ocean.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Didn’t I once accuse you of missing the ocean?

Peter: That sounds familiar.

Scampi: I want to spend some time by the shore.  Tonight.

Peter: Tonight?

Scampi: Yes.  That is what I want.

Peter: Hey.

Scampi: If you touch my shoulder in this manner, I might disintegrate.

Peter: Oh.  Are you having composition issues?

Scampi: Perhaps it is a question of salinity.

Peter: Of the ventricle?

Scampi: Thar she blows!

Peter: [produces spyglass] Aye.

Scampi: She’s afloat, you see.  The salt buoys her up.

PAUSE.

Peter: That’s well.

Scampi: [speaking into the wind] Better.

Peter: Better?

Scampi: Yes.  Yes.

pt 86: DIRECT SUNLIGHT, LIMBS

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Scampi: Can you speak Italian?

Peter: Are you asking me?

Scampi: Who else would I be asking?

Peter: If I speak Italian?

Scampi: Do you?

Peter: Certainly not.

Scampi: Yeah I knew that.

Peter: Then why did you ask?

SILENCE.

Scampi: Have you ever tried to see the backs of your legs?  It’s impossible.

Peter: I can see my calves.

Scampi: Yeah, so can I.  I mean the backs of your legs.  That you can’t see.

Peter: Why do you wish to know?

Scampi: I dunno.

PAUSE.

Scampi: I do not know.

Peter: Perhaps I shall avail myself of a siesta.

Scampi: A siesta?  Avail yourself?

Peter: Both.

Scampi: Je-suss.

Peter: Uh.

Scampi: The sun is shining.

Peter: Yes.  It fatigues me.

Scampi: Fatigues you?

Peter: That is what I said.

Scampi: Goddam.

Peter: So much bluster.

Scampi: Well, yes.  It’s the only appropriate response to this sort of – mania.

Peter: My desire to take a nap?

Scampi: Precisely.  Who do you think you are, Rip van Winkle?

Peter: Certainly not.

Scampi: You don’t sound so sure.

Peter: I am not debating this.

Scampi: Why?  Because you can’t?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Oh ho!

Peter: What does that even mean?  That doesn’t mean anything.

Scampi: Why don’t you just curl up under the mountain?  On a pile of treasure?

Peter: Because I am not a dragon.

Scampi: Says you.  What happened to embracing the world?

Peter: Someone’s arms got tired.

Scampi: What?  What?

Peter: Who said anything about embracing the world, anyway?

Scampi: I did.  I just did.

Peter: Yes.  Well, now’s your chance.

Scampi: How many times do I have to say this, Peter?  We’re in this venture together.

Peter: What venture?

Scampi: This one.

Peter: Are we venture capitalists?  Is that what you’re saying?

Scampi: Of a sort.  Perhaps.

Peter: I didn’t hear anything about embracing the world.  That wasn’t in the contract.

Scampi: Ebenezer Scrooge.

Peter: This analogy montage is giving me cerebral spasms.

Scampi: Keep up.

Peter: Calm down.

THANKS TO PETER AND HIS WAYS, AN IMPASSE IS FORCED.

Scampi: Thanks a lot.

Peter: Wait, how was this my fault?

Scampi: Such protestations.  Goodness.

Peter: I don’t appreciate this sort of –

Scampi: Jerrymandering?

Peter: Japery.

Scampi: Oh, Peter.

Peter: That is my name.

Scampi: We know.  That is the one thing we’ve been able, with the available instruments,  to establish, time and time again.

Peter: What instruments?

Scampi: The ones at our disposal, evidently.

Peter: Hm.

Scampi: I could build a fire.

Peter: Out of what?

Scampi: It’s something we can do.  We human creatures.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: We could have some coffee.  Would you like some coffee?

Peter: I feel faint.

Scampi: It will get better.  Keep your limbs moving.

Peter: I feel.  Ah.

Scampi: I know.  It won’t last.

Peter: Oh.

Scampi: It will get better.  Soon.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: Keep moving.

pt 69: THERE IS A HISTORY IN ALL MEN’S LIVES

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Scampi: Imagine if you were from someplace that started with The.

 

Peter: Yes?

 

Scampi: Well?

 

Peter: Well what?

 

Scampi: Imagine if you were.

 

Peter: If I was what?

 

Scampi: From someplace that started with The.

 

Peter: With the – ?

 

Scampi: Yes.

 

Peter: With the what?

 

Scampi: No, just The. The word, “the”.

 

Peter: It is a word, yes.

 

Scampi: Like, The Hague. Imagine.

 

Peter: You want me to imagine that I am from The Hague?

 

Scampi: Not necessarily. I mean, you can if you want.

 

Peter: I am not particularly compelled.

 

Scampi: There’s news.

 

Peter: Where is this leading?

 

Scampi: Down the garden path, of course.

 

Peter: I see no garden.

 

Scampi: (sadly) No.

 

A FEW GLUM MOMENTS.

 

Scampi: On the bright side, gardening is a healthful practice. We could all stand to do some gardening.

 

Peter: And this is the bright side?

 

Scampi: It is. An order of new buds, sunny side up.

 

Peter: Oh.

 

Scampi: “Wow, the sun’s so far north, now.”

 

Peter: It is?

 

Scampi: I was quoting.

 

Peter: Quoth you.

 

Scampi: God wot. Or doth ‘e?

 

Peter: Duffy?

 

Scampi: Yes, Bob?

 

Peter: Pardon me?

 

Scampi: Oh, sorry. Do you prefer to be called Robert?

 

Peter: Absolutely not.

 

Scampi: Have it your way. The sun is setting.

 

Peter: That has nothing to do with me.

 

Scampi: It does if you’re where the action is.

 

Peter: Oh? And where is that?

 

Scampi: Sure ain’t in the east.

 

Peter: You are one of logic’s finest.

 

Scampi: Do you really think so?

 

Peter: Ah.

 

Scampi: [PREENS.]

 

Peter: Really.

 

Scampi: What?

 

Peter: Is this demonstration quite necessary?

 

Scampi: Necessary! What kind of a demonstration would that be?

 

Peter: A useful one.

 

Scampi: In your dreams, buster. This is a gratuitous display, thank you very much.

 

Peter: Oh, don’t thank me.

 

Scampi: I insist.

 

Peter: For a change.

 

Scampi: Snip snap. You’re quite the clippership today.

 

PETER SCRATCHES HIS NECK.

 

Scampi: What are you trying to do there? Molt?

 

Peter: I am not paying attention.

 

Scampi: Well, you should probably start. Unless you’re in the market for an emergency tracheotomy.

 

Peter: Certainly not.

 

Scampi: Good. Your body is your tempest.

 

Peter: Temple.

 

Scampi: Um—forehead!

 

Peter: Pardon?

 

Scampi: You lose!

 

Peter: At what?

 

Scampi: Word association, of course. Ho, ho.

 

Peter: There is nothing admirable in grandstanding.

 

Scampi: Yeah, sure. There’s nothing fun in having no fun.

 

Peter: [GROANS.]

 

Scampi: Jeez, Peter. There’s a difference between a tautology (garden variety) and like, a poisoned spear.

 

Peter: (weakly) I suppose.

 

Scampi: You do. Anyhow, speaking of gardens (once again), I am reminded of great joy.

 

Peter: How so?

 

Scampi: It’s the logical next step.

 

PETER ABORTIVELY RAISES HIS ARMS IN PROTEST.

 

Scampi: I am reminded of the profound feeling of great joy that neither of us is currently experiencing.

 

Peter: What sort of a statement is that?

 

Scampi: An accurate one.

 

Peter: I really have to protest.

 

Scampi: As well you should. We should be howling from the rooftops.

 

Peter: How utterly undignified.

 

Scampi: Don’t talk about yourself that way.

 

Peter: [SPLUTTERS.]

 

Scampi: Look over there!

 

Peter: [SQUINTS.]

 

Scampi: Gorgeous!

 

Peter: I am probably not the first to inform you of the detrimental effects of staring into the sun.

 

Scampi: Probably. Anyway, I wasn’t pointing at the sun.

 

Peter: I see.

 

Scampi: I was looking underneath it.

 

Peter: Underneath it?

 

Scampi: Yes. At the flowers.

 

Peter: I see no flowers.

 

Scampi: Yet.

pt 51: TANTI BACCI, TANT PIS

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Scampi: Hello?

Peter: I am having a nap.

Scampi: Oh.

Peter: Humph.

Scampi: Don’t you think it’s time to wake up?

Peter: Why would you ask me such a question?

Scampi: It’s like, rhetorical.  It means Get up.

Peter: I am snoozing.

Scampi: You’ve been snoozing for about three weeks.

Peter: I have not.

Scampi: It makes me feel like I’m gonna die here.

Peter: This is hardly appropriate.

Scampi: I do not feel the cultural imperative to appropriate.

Peter: Oh, really?

Scampi: I feel the cultural imperative to keep moving.  For example.

Peter: [YAWNS.]

Scampi: I had big plans.

Peter: Yes, yes.  We all had big plans.

Scampi: Oh.

pt 33: STURGEON AND THE FUTURE

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Scampi: Let me tell you something.  There was a distinct trout theme to yesterday.  Has this ever happened to you?

 

Peter: A trout has never happened to me.

 

Scampi: Not that you would know.

 

Peter: Ahem.

 

Scampi: I was more curious about thematic coherence.  Are your days ever a symphony of thematic coherence?

 

Peter: No.

 

Scampi: If you’re busy or you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.

 

Peter: What’s that supposed to mean?

 

Scampi: I just think you’re not really taking the time to think about my question before you answer.

 

Peter: [SIGHS.]  Uh, that some sort of theme animal would intermittently splash up through the fluid of my daily grind?  No, I don’t think so.

 

Scampi: Fine.  Well yesterday for me contained about nine hundred occurrences of trout.

 

Peter: What kind of trout?

 

Scampi: Just trout.

 

Peter: What about sturgeon?

 

Scampi: No sturgeon.  Not really.

 

Peter: What do you mean, not really?

 

Scampi: That’s what I mean.

 

Peter: In my experience (limited though it may perhaps be) there is either a sturgeon, or there isn’t.

 

Scampi: That’s why you are Peter, and I am Scampi.

 

Peter: I find this response to be dissatisfactory.

 

Scampi: I don’t expect factories to be sated.  I am looking for joy elsewhere, my friend.

 

Peter:  Like where?

 

Scampi: Well, not in the auto sector, for starters.

 

Peter: Are you implying that I look for joy in the auto sector?

 

Scampi: Don’t get all offended.  I wasn’t implying anything.  I was just saying, that’s not where I’m looking.  [PAUSE.]  I mean, you aren’t either.  You’re exemplary.

 

Peter: Really.

 

Scampi:  Sure.  You set an example for us all.

 

PETER COUNTS HIS BEARD.

 

Scampi: Are you looking forward to something?

 

Peter: I look forward to many things.

 

Scampi: Like what?

 

Peter: I am looking forward to having a bath.

 

Scampi: Oh.

 

Peter: Is that not sufficient?

 

Scampi: Well, a bath is fine, I guess.  But I meant something larger, like snow.

 

Peter: The computers of the future?

 

Scampi: Aren’t they here already?

 

Peter: No.  The computers of the present are here.  The computers of the future have not yet arrived.

 

Scampi: But you’re excited for them.

 

Peter: About them.

 

Scampi: Maybe they’ll be made of people.

 

Peter: Absolutely not.

 

Scampi: Then they might be happy.  Then you could be excited for them.

 

Peter: This belongs in a comic book for twelve year olds.  It has nothing to do with computers.

 

Scampi: You’re very touchy today.

 

Peter: I am bogged down by the incessant howling of my nervous system.

 

Scampi: Oh.  I’m sorry.

 

[PAUSE.]

 

Scampi: I’m not part of your nervous system am I?

 

Peter: [COMES DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO LAUGHING.]  No.

 

Scampi: Okay.  So, if you were one of the knights of the Round Table, which one would you be?

 

Peter: If I was what?

 

Scampi: You know what I’m talking about.  King Arthur’s knights.

 

Peter: Yes, I am aware of them.

 

Scampi: I know you are.  Which one would you be?

 

Peter: Are there any named Peter?

 

Scampi: Come on.  If you could be any of them.

 

Peter: Which one got the most sleep?

 

Scampi: You know what I think?  I think you’d be King Pellinore.

 

Peter: That’s wonderful.

 

Scampi: You don’t know who King Pellinore is, do you?

 

Peter: [GLARES.]

 

Scampi: Ok, ok.  But see, King Pellinore had this thing for the Questing Beast.  He was always looking for it.

 

Peter: Are you suggesting I’m always looking for something?

 

Scampi: No, I’m suggesting that you would be King Pellinore.

 

Peter: If we lived in the Arthurian legend.

 

Scampi: That’s right.  Isn’t that exciting?

 

Peter: No.

 

Scampi: Do you know who I’d be?

 

Peter: No.

 

Scampi: Me neither.  But I would help you look.

pt 122: EMBRACEABLE YOU

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Scampi: Let me get this straight.

 

Peter: Is there a time limit on this activity?

 

Scampi: Good point.  Now we know why you sigh so much.

 

Peter: Why is that?

 

Scampi: SIGHS.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: Ah.  Still got it.

 

Peter: What are you doing?

 

Scampi: Nothing.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: Have we given up on existence?  Because I haven’t.

 

Peter: What?

 

Scampi: You sure are touchy today.

 

Peter: Do excuse me.

 

Scampi: Perhaps.  Guess what I’m doing?

 

Peter: No thankyou.

 

Scampi: I’m fashioning a bailing bucket out of an old household cleaner container.  What do you think of that?

 

Peter: Ingenious.

 

Scampi: Yes.  You can’t leave the shore without a bailing bucket.

 

Peter: Are you boating somewhere?

 

Scampi: It never hurts to be prepared.

 

PETER WINCES.

 

Scampi: Well, I suppose it sometimes hurts a little.  In any case, we can leave this for the international criminal courts to adjudicate!

 

Peter [dully]: Yes.

 

Scampi: You’re not even listening to me.

 

Peter: True.  I am not.

 

Scampi: Humph.  It’s as though there are no thoughts in my head.

 

Peter: Unusual.

 

Scampi: It is unusual.  I am not a concrete brick wall.

 

Peter: Did someone say you were?

 

Scampi: Yes: you did.

 

Peter: I did no such thing.

 

Scampi: Did, too.

 

Peter: This is incorrect.

 

Scampi: You wish.  What would you wish for?

 

Peter: I am not a wishing man.

 

Scampi: I am not a wishing well.

 

PETER CHUCKLES BITTERLY.

 

Scampi: Jeez.  Maybe you should take a chill pill.

 

Peter: None were available.

 

Scampi: The animals have gone to the river.  Why do you think that is?

 

Peter: They are likely thirsty.

 

Scampi: Yes, likely.

 

PAUSE.

 

Peter [suspiciously]: Wait, what animals?

 

Scampi: Oh, you know.  It’s watering time, of course.  We must all drink our fill.

 

Peter: SIGHS.

 

Scampi: Did you ever think of doing anything?

 

Peter [sharply]: What do you mean by that?

 

Scampi: Oh, nothing.  Would you like to lie in the grass while I explore the apple orchard?

 

Peter: What apple orchard?

 

Scampi: This one.

 

Peter: It’s snowing.

 

Scampi: Those are macintosh blossoms.  Golden delicious.

 

Peter: It is wintertime.

 

Scampi: Tell that to the orchard.

 

PETER CLOSES HIS EYES.

 

Scampi: That’s the spirit.  I’m going to check on the view from the treetops.

 

Peter: Yes, do.

 

Scampi: Ahoy!  Bluebirds and grey skies ahead!  Man the pommey-slicer!  Steady down below!

 

Peter [lazily]: That doesn’t mean anything.

 

Scampi: Then why are you smiling?

 

Peter: Did you just dump snow on my head?

 

Scampi: Apple blossoms.

 

Peter: Ah.

 

Scampi: Let’s stay all afternoon.

 

Peter: Impossible.

 

Scampi: How so?

 

Peter: It’s already dark out.

 

Scampi: Certainly not.

 

Peter: Why do you want to stay here?

 

Scampi: Why don’t you?

 

Peter: I didn’t say that.

 

Scampi: All afternoon.

 

Peter: Right.

 

Scampi: Because it’s beautiful.

 

Peter: Ah.

 

Scampi: Because we can.

pt 112: LIKE VEINS THE ROADS

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Scampi: Imagine walking across Australia.

Peter: I would rather not.

Scampi: Why not?

Peter: Hm?

Scampi: Are you saying you couldn’t imagine walking across Australia?

Peter: One imagines it would be a lengthy walk.

Scampi: Well yes.  Naturally.

Peter: Ahem.

Scampi: The epic journey!

PAUSE.

Scampi: Are you tired?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Oh.

Peter: Do I seem tired?

Scampi: No.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: Imagine the plant and animal life.

Peter: The flora and fauna of Australia.

Scampi: Yes?  This holds no fascination for you?

Peter: I am not a biologist.

Scampi: [sadly] No.

PAUSE.

Scampi: [quoting] Like veins, the roads travel everywhere.

Peter: Who said that?

Scampi: Who didn’t say it?

Peter: I did not.

Scampi: I mean veins in the sense of things that are commonly running around all over the place.

Peter: When I said that I was not a biologist, I did not mean to imply that I am completely ignorant of all aspects of human physiology.

Scampi: Big words, buster.  Wanna take this outside?

Peter: I do not.

Scampi Ho ho!

PAUSE.

Scampi: Here we are, on the road together.

Peter: ‘We’ who?

Scampi: Oh, you know, the two us.  By which I mean THE HUMAN RACE.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: One thing we haven’t really addressed –

Peter: Only one?

Scampi: Look here.  What about the period between the testaments?

Peter: Oh, yes.  How about that period.

Scampi: Alex the Great, Jerusalem, Babylonians, King Cyrus.  Eh?

Peter: Did you just say Alex the Great?

Scampi: Oh, pardon me for being so familiar.

Peter: Rather.

Scampi: I mean, you don’t want to study the marsupial population of New South Wales.

Peter: No, I do not.

Scampi: Grinch.

Peter: Pardon?

Scampi: Nothing.

PAUSE.

Scampi: But like, would you walk across Mesopotamia?

Peter: I highly doubt it.

Scampi: What, never?

Peter: Perhaps I have been biased by the daily news.

Scampi: Daily news!  What do you know about it?

Peter: [offended]

Scampi: Anyway, there’s a lot going on in Mesopotamia.

Peter: This is perhaps relevant to my inclination against participating in the great Mesopotamian walking tour.

Scampi: As led by Herodotus!

Peter: Presumably the tour kicks off with his exhumation?

Scampi: Scandalous.

Peter: Potamos.

Scampi: Mezzo-potamus.  On stage, one night only!

PAUSE.

Scampi: Do you hear music?

Peter: Regularly.

Scampi: No, right now.

Peter: Perhaps.

Scampi: What do you mean, perhaps?

Peter: It is a possibility.

Scampi: I’ll tell you what’s a possibility.

Peter: Yes?

Scampi: Humph.  Have you ever groomed a horse?

Peter: Certainly not.

Scampi: There’s no need to be so defensive.

Peter: I have not groomed a horse.

Scampi: You probably would have, though, if you were a horse farmer.

Peter: Isn’t there a word for that?

Scampi: Yes.  It’s called good stewardship.

Peter: A horse-farmer.

Scampi: Thanks for putting that hyphen in there.  So, uh, I didn’t confuse this for a conversation about farmer who is a horse.

Peter: I seek to introduce clarity.

Scampi: We’ve met.

Peter: Ahem.  It was not apparent.

Scampi: If you stood up, you’d be a comedian.  A barrel of laughs.

Peter: I am filled with humours.

Scampi: How phlegmatic.

Peter: Perhaps.

Scampi: That’s you.  Phlegm all over.  You should go live in Belgium.

Peter: I do enjoy frites.

Scampi: Freets!  Amazing.  You’re like, the king of Belgium already.

Peter: I am not.

Scampi: Are too.

Peter: No.

Scampi: Yup.  Peter Freetsnflem, King of Belgium & Grand Vizier to the Organ Grinders’ Association of Moravia.

Peter: Organ grinders?  How did this come up?

Scampi: I’m not the Grand Vizier around here.  You tell me.

Peter: SIGHS.

Scampi: Or as the Russians have it, шарманка.

Peter: Pardon?

Scampi: Sharmanka.  The hurdy-gurdy man, that’s you.

Peter: I take a great interest in personal fitness, you know.

Scampi: Oh, lord.  What’s next, democratic fitness?

Peter: In what sense?

Scampi: I highly doubt it.  In that sense.

Peter: You doubt democratic fitness?

Scampi: Yes.  In this case, specifically rather than generally.

Peter: Are you casting aspersions on my good character?

Scampi: I am rejecting the premise.  The question is thus mooted and diffused with accuracy and grace.

PETER, NOT KNOWING WHERE TO BEGIN, DOES NOT BEGIN.  OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, SCAMPI EMBRACES HIM LIKE A LOCKET.

Peter: Argh!

Scampi: What?

Peter: Is it entirely necessary to attack me in this manner?

Scampi: Yes.  It’s definitive.

Peter: Dare I ask?

Scampi: For a definition?

Peter: Likely not.

Scampi: There you go again, answering your own questions.

Peter: As you know, I am loyal to the Socratic method.

Scampi: You know what?

Peter: I have resigned myself.

Scampi: Don’t do that, Peter.

Peter: What?

Scampi: I’m not sure.  I wanted to say something about the brisk sunlight.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: Shall we go for a walk?

Peter: It could happen.

Scampi: The germ of possibility.

Peter: Rearing its beak once again.

Scampi: Its beak!  Ha!

Peter: We could go for a walk.

Scampi: Prove it.

pt 103: ESTUARIES

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Peter: And then, while no one was looking, Jupiter’s belts disappeared.

Scampi: You said that before.

Peter: Perhaps.

Scampi: How do you know no one was looking?

Peter: I am a busy man.

Scampi: Oh yes.  We are all well aware.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Do you know what a skipjack is?

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: Oh, really?

Peter: Yees.

Scampi: It’s a boat on the Chesapeake.

Peter: Ah, yes.

Scampi: Used for oystering.  Because no one uses sailboats any more for work.

Peter: I beg to differ.

Scampi: Beggars can’t be choosers.  An oyster boat’s a sailboat.  That’s what I’m saying.  A skipjack.

Peter: There is no denying the facts, ma’am.

Scampi: Just the facts, Pete.  Pewter.

Peter: Ah, the world of alloys.

Scampi: Yes.  It’s a jungle out there.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Peder Oxe.

Peter: Hm?

Scampi: Imagine if you were Peder Oxe.

PETER LOWS.

Scampi: Not Peter-the-Ox.

Peter: Of course not.

Scampi: What do you think of the future?  Of humanism?

Peter: As opposed to the oxen-based economy?

Scampi: No, really.

Peter: I consider myself a humanist.

Scampi: What?  Is that true?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Oh.

PAUSE.

Scampi: The ceiling is too low.

Peter: I am unconcerned.

Scampi: For a change.

Peter: Mm.

Scampi: There isn’t enough room.

Peter: For the future of humanism?

Scampi: For the present.

Peter: Well, don’t let me hinder your progress.

Scampi: Oh, of course.  Progress.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: You know a synonym for present?

Peter: Uh.  Here?

Scampi: Gift.

PAUSE.

Scampi: You are squandering it.

Peter: And what are you doing?

Scampi: Waiting.

part 26: JUDAS ISCARIOT, KING OF SANITATION

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Scampi: Ever since you broke your right hand, you’ve been acting different.

 

Peter: What are you talking about?

 

Scampi: You wish to be elected king.

 

Peter: I stopped listening to you three weeks ago.

 

Scampi: Yes.  When you broke your hand.  And now you want to become king of anodyne.  It’s all clingfilm and beige suits from here on in.

 

Peter:  To think I admired you!  Well, now I despise you!

 

Scampi: I told you this would happen.