Scampi: I’ll draw it for you.
Peter: That really is not necessary.
Scampi: Let me make you this diagram.
Peter: To what end?
Scampi: I want to draw it out for you. To make things clearer.
Peter: Are we in great need of clarity, all of a sudden?
Scampi: No, no. It has come up on us, bit by bit.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: You are like a rock on the seashore.
Peter: In what sense?
Scampi: In the sense that I said so.
Peter: Ah. Right.
Scampi: Baking in the sunshine like a loaf of wheat.
Peter: Loaf of wheat? What?
Scampi: Why are you so critical today?
Peter: Was I being critical?
Scampi: Yes. Very picky. For some reason. Which I do not know what it is.
Peter: Perhaps you are misinterpreting my words.
Scampi: Impossible!
PAUSE.
Scampi: Have you ever seen a cactus?
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: What, really?
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: I mean, not in a plant shop. Or at the zoo.
Peter: They have cactuses at the zoo?
Scampi: Why shouldn’t they? People can have a cactus if they want.
Peter: Certainly.
Scampi: So, what? You’ve been to the desert, is that what you’re saying?
Peter: That is not what I am saying.
Scampi: Where did you see a cactus then?
Peter: I cannot recall.
Scampi: Humph. This all smacks of trickery.
Peter: Excuse me?
Scampi: Humph.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Perhaps you were driving along one day in your little Volkswagen.
Peter: I do not own a Volkswagen.
Scampi: Oh look! sez you to yourself. It be a cactoos yonder.
Peter: I do not speak this way.
Scampi: You’re in a very disagreeable mood today.
Peter: I –
Scampi: What? Do you disagree? Ho, ho!
Peter: Really.
Scampi: And truly. Furthermore, I’d like to know where this boat is going.
Peter: Yes, wouldn’t we all.
Scampi: [craftily] So you admit we’re in a boat.
Peter: What was that?
Scampi: Please pay attention to the map. Do you have anything against maps?
Peter: Certainly not.
Scampi: That’s what I’m saying. We don’t want to end up on a shoal.
Peter: Naturally.
Scampi: Well.
PAUSE.
Scampi: What does the chart say?
Peter: [irritably] You haven’t given me a chart.
Scampi: Says you.
Peter: Indeed.
PAUSE.
Scampi: I suppose we could ease up. Drift awhile, fish for smelt in the noonday sun.
Peter: I shall simply tip my chapeau over my eyes like so, and avail myself of a siesta.
Scampi: La-de-da. For my part, I shall read aloud from the book of Deuteronomy.
Peter: I would really rather you did not.
Scampi: Heathen!
Peter: Please. There is no need to shriek like a mynah bird.
Scampi: And why not?
Peter: I am right here.
Scampi: Oh. Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?
Peter: SIGHS.
Scampi: Would you like a cushion?
Peter: What was that?
Scampi: The book of Deuteronomy is full of stiff necks, you know.
Peter: I am fine, thank you.
Scampi: Suit yourself.
PAUSE.
Scampi: You know what?
Peter: Erm.
Scampi: The shore is so beautiful this afternoon. I feel like a plover.
Peter: Wonderful.
Scampi: Yes. Are you listening to me?
Peter: Mm. Certainly.
Scampi: Okay. What did I just say?
Peter: Okay.
Scampi: Okay.
Peter: Okay.
Scampi: Just checking.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Will I wake you if I catch a fish?
Peter: No thank you.
Scampi: Fine.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Have you ever been in love?
Peter: I think so.
Scampi: What?
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: Oh. Shall I wake you in case something exciting happens?
Peter: Such as?
Scampi: Uh, dragonflies.
Peter: No, thank you.
Scampi: Fine.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Will you fall in love again, do you think?
Peter: Likely.
Scampi: How do you know?
Peter: I am taking a nap.
Scampi: Yes, yes.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Have I ever been in love?
Peter: I do not know.
Scampi: Oh.
Radiofree Scampytail 