Scampi: This discussion is about arms. Arms are required.
Peter: Arms are very helpful.
Scampi: Yes, they are. They are sometimes necessary.
Peter: Mm.
Scampi: The long arm of the law. Ug.
Peter: The law is necessary?
Scampi: Not that kind of arms. I was thinking of something else.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: You don’t see many occurrences of kilometres in song. Have you noticed this?
Peter: Implicitly or explicitly?
Scampi: In the words.
Peter: The lyrics.
Scampi: That’s what I said. You don’t hear anyone singing about his lover/home/bloodhound o so many kilometres away.
Peter: I do not.
Scampi: Well, that’s what I’m saying.
Peter: You believe that the music industry is prejudiced against the metric system?
Scampi: You make me sound like a conspiracy theorist. I’m just pointing things out.
PAUSE.
Scampi: You look utterly exhausted.
Peter: I do?
Scampi: You do.
Peter: I am slightly tired.
Scampi: Well, that’s no way to be.
Peter: It is unnecessary to inform me of such gratuitous facts.
Scampi: Oh, you would say that.
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: Well, I think it’s very necessary.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: I bee.
Peter: Excuse me?
Scampi: Done! You cee, I bee. I-bis. Sea biscuit. Be-bop-a-lula.
Peter: Rawr.
Scampi: Are you growling?
Peter: Sh.
Scampi: Don’t sh me. Sh yourself. Sh-bang-whiz. Popsicle face.
Peter: Could you please cease this infernal racket.
Scampi: Ha. Racquet.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Would you like some toast?
Peter: No.
Scampi: Are you sure?
Peter: I do not want any toast.
Scampi: “I do not want any toast.” Jeez. Want a coffee?
PAUSE.
Scampi: I think you want a coffee. I’m going to make you one.
Peter: You may do what you will.
Scampi: It certainly follows.
THE HOURS AND DAYS NIMBLY PERCOLATE.
Scampi: My arms are full of wildflowers. I found them by the side of the road.
Peter: Achoo.
Scampi: Oh.
PAUSE.
Scampi: What’s your opinion on the ocean?
Peter: Ahem, the ocean.
Scampi: That’s what I said.
Peter: Yes. The great bathtub covering this planet we call home.
Scampi: You don’t have to put on that voice, you know.
Peter: Oh? And how would you prefer me to respond to your inane queries?
Scampi: Inane!
Peter: I know, it is a stretch.
Scampi: Oh, you. What are you, afraid of the ocean or something?
Peter: I?
Scampi: Is that it?
Peter: No.
Scampi: It’s understandable. Home of the GIANT SQUID and all that.
Peter: The ocean is home to numerous creatures, including cephalopods of elephantine proportions.
Scampi: I know. Gargantuan, even.
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: It’s amazing, isn’t it?
Peter: We are blessed with the fecundity of the depths.
Scampi: Yeah.
LONELY SILENCE.
Scampi: I’m going to do a handstand.
Peter: (fearfully) Oh?
Scampi: Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like I’m going to kick you in the face.
Peter: I should think not.
Scampi: Phew!
Peter: That was a handstand.
Scampi: Yes. It was edifying.
Peter: How so?
Scampi: Wouldn’t you love to know? Eh?
PAUSE.
Scampi: Love is a song that never ends. Did you know that?
Peter: A delicate metaphor, to be sure.
Scampi: A cervine cartoon lullaby.
Peter: Supine?
Scampi: That, too. Tell me, does it bother you when they call you Homunculus Rex?
Peter: No one calls me that.
Scampi: I just did.
Peter: Yes, you did. Please stop.
Scampi: Oh, I see. So you don’t like to be called Homunculus Rex, is that it?
Peter: It is.
Scampi: Okay. I was just checking, you know.
Peter: I see. Well, thank you for taking the time to check.
Scampi: You are most welcome O mighty sovereign of manlings!
Peter: SIGHS.
Scampi: GUFFAWS.
Peter: What a damned clatter.
Scampi: (philosophically) If you do, if you don’t.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Are you trying to circumscribe the world, or are you trying to give it a hug?
Peter: Pardon me?
Scampi: Which?
Peter: I am distinctly unaware of engaging in either of the above activities.
Scampi: Above? Above what? You’re above them?
Peter: No.
Scampi: How circumspect.
PAUSE.
Scampi: You know what this is called?
Peter: Nonsense?
Scampi: It’s called embracing the something or other. Are you doing that?
Peter: (Whatever it might be.)
Scampi: Or are you, like, trying to poke the world in the stomach?
Peter: I have never poked anything in the stomach.
Scampi: Oh, right. Except for our earth.
Peter: Ahem.
Scampi: You can hum and haw all you like.
Peter: Thank you.
Scampi: I’m just looking for some answers here. Just snooping around the water cooler.
Peter: This is what you love best.
Scampi: What do you know about it?
Peter: Oh, nothing at all, I’m sure.
Scampi: Yeah, well. Is that a new jacket?
Peter: No.
Scampi: You didn’t even look.
Peter: I did not have to look. I know which jacket I am wearing at present.
Scampi: Snob.
Peter: And how does this make me a snob?
Scampi: It doesn’t.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: If you please, m’lord.
Peter: Now I’m an aristocrat? Because I am not wearing a new jacket?
Scampi: Oho, convivialising with the peasantry! That can’t be good for morale.
Peter: It is possibly an inopportune moment for this brand of horsing around.
Scampi: What? You object to equine amusements? I say! Call in Lord Mulberry Face! We must organise a symposium.
Peter: SIGHS.
Scampi: Hee hee.
PETER PERUSES LAST MONTH’S NEWS WITH STUDIED PRECISION.
Scampi: You certainly know how to turn a page with gusto.
Peter: Mm.
Scampi: If you get my drift.
Peter: What’s that?
Scampi: Don’t mind me.
Peter: I am attempting not to.
Scampi: Excellent, excellent.
PAUSE.
Peter: Perhaps it is time for me to go.
Scampi: Go? Go where? Why would you go somewhere? Where are you going?
Peter: Ahem.
Scampi: It’s dark out. You should wait for a break in traffic.
Peter: What traffic?
Scampi: I dunno. It’s an expression.
Peter: I really should be going.
Scampi: Can I come?
Peter: No.
Scampi: Why?
Peter: Because.
Scampi: Why?
Peter: I am going to sleep. I regret to inform you that you cannot join me in this venture.
Scampi: Says who?
Peter: That is the fact of the matter.
Scampi: That’s what you think.
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: Well, don’t go yet. Wait five minutes.
Peter: All right.
Radiofree Scampytail 