Peter: Are you suggesting I lack nous?
Scampi: What a vocabulary!
Peter: I am very sensitive about my vocabulary.
Scampi: I know you are, Peter.
Peter: Oh.
Scampi: You enjoy meats and cheeses.
Peter: Excuse me?
Scampi: Don’t you?
PAUSE.
Scampi: Of course you do.
Peter: I do.
Scampi: You like to eat pork. The flesh of pigs.
Peter: Correct.
Scampi: Why do you think that is?
Peter: It is delicious.
Scampi: Beware of subjective truths!
Peter: Me?
Scampi: The epistemological pot calling the linguistical kettle black? Is that what you’re saying?
Peter: Yes.
PAUSE.
Peter: That doesn’t make any sense.
Scampi: How did you understand it, then?
Peter: Did I?
Scampi: You did. You assented.
Peter: I did.
Scampi: Are you having a crisis of faith?
Peter: No.
Scampi: Are you sure?
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: How do you know?
Peter: I am not a man of the cloth.
Scampi: I suppose not.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Are you having a crisis of faith?
Peter: No.
Scampi: Oh.
PAUSE.
Scampi: Yes, I would say that you lack a modicum of nous. I would.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: Yes. It is quite apparent.
Peter: You are certainly entitled to your opinion.
Scampi: I hadn’t noticed that. Says who?
Peter: A nice, clear day. Clear skies.
Scampi: I remarked on that already. I already pointed it out.
Peter: When?
Scampi: I did. You were sleeping, like Rapunzel.
Peter: I wasn’t sleeping.
Scampi: Neither was Rapunzel. Technically.
Peter: I am not blonde.
Scampi: I am not a spinach farmer. So what?
Peter: There is no need to be so argumentative.
Scampi: Really? Who told you that?
Peter: I have spoken.
Scampi: Yes, you have. Do you want a new shirt?
Peter: No.
Scampi: Why not?
Peter: I have shirts.
Scampi: So what?
Peter: SIGHS.
Scampi: Cotton shirts are very popular amongst men of your generation.
Peter: What generation?
Scampi: Well, that is the question. That’s what I’m saying.
Peter: Pardon me, but I find it exceedingly difficult to keep track of what it is that you are saying. From one day to the next, if you will.
Scampi: I won’t!
Peter: How juvenile.
Scampi: No pasarán!
PAUSE.
Scampi: Ah ha! You don’t even know what that means!
Peter: Knowing what a word means, and knowing what you mean by it are two rather different things.
Scampi: But of course! A whole new kettle of fish!
Peter: Would it be possible for you to modulate your voice?
Scampi: In what sense?
Peter: Lower it.
Scampi: Oh ho. Hello, children, and welcome to the imperative.
Peter: There are many tasks to be accomplished.
Scampi: Yes, of course. Let us preserve the Anglo-Saxon hegemony. Et cetera. [YAWNS THEATRICALLY]
Peter: What are you suggesting about me?
Scampi: ‘Scusi?
Peter: I feel that you are making inferences and allusions. Offensive ones.
Scampi: You would.
Peter: I do.
Scampi: Want to make some prank calls?
Peter: No.
Scampi: What? Really?
Peter: Yes.
Scampi: Yes, you do want to make prank calls?
Peter: No.
Scampi: No what?
Peter: No, I do not.
Scampi: Oh. Have you ever met a man whose woman you didn’t like?
Peter: Woman?
Scampi: Yes. Those creatures you feign disinterest in.
Peter: I am not sure what is being asked of me.
Scampi: Wherein lies the disingenuous germ of your existential crisis.
Peter: This is very rude.
Scampi: No, no. That’s not the intent at all. I’m simply asking a question.
Peter: Of course. You have a tendency to do this.
Scampi: I do not. Anyhow, you were right about the weather.
Peter: Hm?
Scampi: It’s a beautiful day. It really is.
Peter: [SIGHS.] Yes.
Scampi: Do you believe there will be others?
Peter: Other whats?
Scampi: Days like this.
Peter: I am not a meteorologist.
Scampi: No. I suppose you aren’t.
Peter: I am not.
Scampi: But the light today. It’s just so pretty.
Peter: Indeed.
Scampi: Perhaps there will be light like this tomorrow.
Peter: It is a possibility.
Scampi: [bitterly] Yes.