Scampi: I fell asleep.

Peter: I shall inform the relevant newsmedia.

Scampi: Piss off.

Peter: PARDON?

Scampi: It’s an expression.

Peter: A distasteful one.

Scampi: A delectable linguisto-fest, in fact.

Peter: That’s.  I.

Scampi: Ding!  Peter-eter, down for the count!

Peter: There is no need to howl so.

Scampi: I shan’t howl then.

Peter: Why are you speaking this way?

Scampi: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Peter: “Shan’t.”

Scampi: Hee haw.  You sound like the emir in Tintin.


Scampi: Can I offer you a beverage?

Peter: It appears that you have.

Scampi: Harumph.  Coffee?

Peter: I acquiesce.

Scampi: You’re terribly good at that.


Scampi: Well, moving right along.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: What would you say if I said my heart was broken?

Peter: I suspect you wouldn’t say that.

Scampi: That’s what you’d say?

Peter: No.  I.

Scampi: What would you say?

Peter: I would.  Express my sympathies, I suppose.

Scampi: Yeah, right.  I doubt it.

Peter: Well.  I’m glad I was able to assist you with your query.

Scampi: Thanks a lot.  Why didn’t you just direct me to the reference desk?

Peter: Because I am not a library.

Scampi: I’ll say.  You don’t even have a photocopying machine.

Peter: I do not.  You are correct.

Scampi: And if you did, it would be cleft in twain.

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: Like my heart.

Peter: Ah yes.  Your heart.

Scampi: Ug.  Don’t say it like that.

Peter: Like what?  I have often been complimented on my excellent, above-average elocution.

Scampi: [snorts] Yeah huh.  We are referring to my fiery engine red construction paper heart here.  Not a lab experiment featuring amphibians.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: If only this were the case.

Peter: There’s nothing wrong with my vision.

Scampi: (That a little corrective eyewear can’t fix.)

Peter: Correct.

Scampi: Corrective.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: I have fallen asleep at a barbecue once.  Did you know that?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Well, I didn’t really.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: But I could have.

Peter: Mm.

Scampi: See?

Peter: No.

Scampi: I’m just saying, I almost fell asleep at a barbecue once.  Or twice.

Peter: Well, good for you.

Scampi: I can get very sleepy.  That’s all.

Peter: We have been tired.  We are a tiresome race.

Scampi: What?  What?

Peter: I said—

Scampi: I know what you said.

Peter: Well then.

Scampi: You want some cake or something?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Why not?

Peter: I don’t know.

Scampi: So?

Peter: I don’t want any cake.

Scampi: Fine.

Peter: Thank you.

Scampi: You are terribly welcome.

Peter: How kind.

Scampi: Most certainly.  With utmost amounts of certitude.

Peter: Quite.

Scampi: With unscientific amounts of certitude.

Peter: Okay.

Scampi: With a blind, mad degree of certainty that contradicts the whole spirit of the scientific method.  With—

Peter: I think that’s quite enough.

Scampi: Enough what?

Peter: Chatter.

Scampi: Ho ho.  You would.

Peter: I do.

Scampi: Kids used to like to lick on candy, down to a seed in their palms.  You know what I’m talking about?

Peter: Roughly.

Scampi: Do they still do that, kids?

Peter: Why not?

Scampi: Well, why not?  Why not not?

Peter: Please.

Scampi: What manners!


Scampi: Ho ho.

Peter: Wait a moment.  What are you saying about my hands?

Scampi: Me?

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: Me?  I didn’t say anything.

Peter: I suspect—

Scampi: Oh, that’s a change.

Peter: This coffee is.  Delicious.

Scampi: You’re kind of slow today.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: That’s okay.  I am broken.

Peter: Ah yes.  Your cardboard heart.

Scampi: Construction paper.

Peter: Inflammable, at any rate.

Scampi: We are.


pt 98: WATER

Scampi: I didn’t know that that episode of Tintin with the Emir and Prince Abdullah and everything used to be different.


Peter: Excuse me?


Scampi: Peter!


Peter: Yes?


Scampi: Pay attention.


Peter: Different in what way?


Scampi: When it was first written. Before the Germans took Belgium.


Peter: I see.


Scampi: Well, yeah. Then he changed it. Hergé. You know what I’m saying?


Peter: A Tintin book was revised.


Scampi: The one with the Emir.


Peter: I could point out, ahem.


Scampi: What?


Peter: I believe there are several occasions where the Emir makes an appearance in a Tintin comic.


Scampi: So what?


Peter: So you can’t say, “The one with the Emir”.


Scampi: Yes, I can. I just did.




Scampi: If we were in a boat.


Peter: [alarmed] Are we in a boat?


Scampi: Oh, I see.


Peter: We are not in a boat. Currently.


Scampi: Make up your mind.


Peter: It was you who brought it up.


Scampi: I did. Boats.


Peter: Yes.


Scampi: It was hypothetical. Theoretical.


Peter: The vessel?


Scampi: Vessel! The situation.


Peter: Oh.


Scampi: Do you want to cross the water?


Peter: Now? Or in general?


Scampi: Such questions.


Peter: I have a certain amount of maritime competence.


Scampi: Oh, no doubt.


Peter: It is the case.


Scampi: The water is wide.




Scampi: Would you trail your fingers in the water?


Peter: When?


Scampi: In the boat. That we aren’t in.


Peter: I have no idea.


Scampi: Part of me can see it. Them. You know. Your fingers trailing along in the lake.


Peter: Fascinating.


Scampi: That’s right. But the other part.




Scampi: A blackness. There’s a hole where the picture should be.


Peter: This is all very exciting.


Scampi: Well, yes. It is. Are you leaning back, drifting? Happy?


Peter: Your imagination is getting the best of you, it seems.


Scampi: Or it’s getting the worst of you.


Peter: I don’t know what that means.


Scampi: Precisely!




Scampi: I could steer.


Peter: Oh?


Scampi: You could scan the sky for weather.


Peter: In our non-existent watercraft.


Scampi: Yes.


Peter: I’m sure that would be very nice.


Scampi: Are you humouring me?


Peter: Perhaps unsuccessfully.


Scampi: I think we need to make it to the other side. I think this could be the way.


Peter: Such urgency. Are we attempting some sort of escape?


Scampi: What do you think?


Peter: I think you are behaving like a felon on the run.


Scampi: So?


Peter: What I said earlier about your imagination still stands.


Scampi: You should be so lucky.


Peter: Pardon?


Scampi: Talking about my imagination like that.


Peter: There was no insult intended.


Scampi: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.


Peter: I do not tend to mistake human flesh for comestible material.


Scampi: Yeah, sure.




Scampi: Did you know that the only thing filthier than a human bite is the bite of a Komodo dragon?


Peter: This is plausible, I suppose.


Scampi: Komodo dragons go around biting things and then going back and gobbling them up once they, the things, pass on. They eat rotten stuff.


Peter: I shall have to look this up.


Scampi: Oh, right. Don’t take my word for it.




Scampi: You know the capital of North Dakota?


Peter: Excuse me?


Scampi: Stop stalling. Do you know it?


Peter: Well, I. Let me think.


Scampi: Bismarck!


Peter: Right. Yes.


Scampi: Ha.


Peter: What are you crowing about now?


Scampi: Nothing. Just talking about the world at large.


Peter: I see.


Scampi: Mature conversation.


Peter: Perhaps you should work on the art of the segue.


Scampi: Fiddlesticks.


Peter: It was simply a suggestion.


Scampi: Thank you for your feedback. It will be processed in due course.


Peter: The air is cooler when the sun sets.


Scampi: Nice segue.


Peter: Ahem.


Scampi: I am suddenly so tired.


Peter: Perhaps a small cup of coffee would not go amiss.


Scampi: I think that’s true.


Peter: Yes.


Scampi: Do you think we were different before the war?


Peter: What war?


Scampi: I don’t know.