Scampi: Imagine if you were from someplace that started with The.
Peter: Well what?
Scampi: Imagine if you were.
Peter: If I was what?
Scampi: From someplace that started with The.
Peter: With the – ?
Peter: With the what?
Scampi: No, just The. The word, “the”.
Peter: It is a word, yes.
Scampi: Like, The Hague. Imagine.
Peter: You want me to imagine that I am from The Hague?
Scampi: Not necessarily. I mean, you can if you want.
Peter: I am not particularly compelled.
Scampi: There’s news.
Peter: Where is this leading?
Scampi: Down the garden path, of course.
Peter: I see no garden.
Scampi: (sadly) No.
A FEW GLUM MOMENTS.
Scampi: On the bright side, gardening is a healthful practice. We could all stand to do some gardening.
Peter: And this is the bright side?
Scampi: It is. An order of new buds, sunny side up.
Scampi: “Wow, the sun’s so far north, now.”
Peter: It is?
Scampi: I was quoting.
Peter: Quoth you.
Scampi: God wot. Or doth ‘e?
Scampi: Yes, Bob?
Peter: Pardon me?
Scampi: Oh, sorry. Do you prefer to be called Robert?
Peter: Absolutely not.
Scampi: Have it your way. The sun is setting.
Peter: That has nothing to do with me.
Scampi: It does if you’re where the action is.
Peter: Oh? And where is that?
Scampi: Sure ain’t in the east.
Peter: You are one of logic’s finest.
Scampi: Do you really think so?
Peter: Is this demonstration quite necessary?
Scampi: Necessary! What kind of a demonstration would that be?
Peter: A useful one.
Scampi: In your dreams, buster. This is a gratuitous display, thank you very much.
Peter: Oh, don’t thank me.
Scampi: I insist.
Peter: For a change.
Scampi: Snip snap. You’re quite the clippership today.
PETER SCRATCHES HIS NECK.
Scampi: What are you trying to do there? Molt?
Peter: I am not paying attention.
Scampi: Well, you should probably start. Unless you’re in the market for an emergency tracheotomy.
Peter: Certainly not.
Scampi: Good. Your body is your tempest.
Scampi: You lose!
Peter: At what?
Scampi: Word association, of course. Ho, ho.
Peter: There is nothing admirable in grandstanding.
Scampi: Yeah, sure. There’s nothing fun in having no fun.
Scampi: Jeez, Peter. There’s a difference between a tautology (garden variety) and like, a poisoned spear.
Peter: (weakly) I suppose.
Scampi: You do. Anyhow, speaking of gardens (once again), I am reminded of great joy.
Peter: How so?
Scampi: It’s the logical next step.
PETER ABORTIVELY RAISES HIS ARMS IN PROTEST.
Scampi: I am reminded of the profound feeling of great joy that neither of us is currently experiencing.
Peter: What sort of a statement is that?
Scampi: An accurate one.
Peter: I really have to protest.
Scampi: As well you should. We should be howling from the rooftops.
Peter: How utterly undignified.
Scampi: Don’t talk about yourself that way.
Scampi: Look over there!
Peter: I am probably not the first to inform you of the detrimental effects of staring into the sun.
Scampi: Probably. Anyway, I wasn’t pointing at the sun.
Peter: I see.
Scampi: I was looking underneath it.
Peter: Underneath it?
Scampi: Yes. At the flowers.
Peter: I see no flowers.