Scampi: Imagine if you were from someplace that started with The.


Peter: Yes?


Scampi: Well?


Peter: Well what?


Scampi: Imagine if you were.


Peter: If I was what?


Scampi: From someplace that started with The.


Peter: With the – ?


Scampi: Yes.


Peter: With the what?


Scampi: No, just The. The word, “the”.


Peter: It is a word, yes.


Scampi: Like, The Hague. Imagine.


Peter: You want me to imagine that I am from The Hague?


Scampi: Not necessarily. I mean, you can if you want.


Peter: I am not particularly compelled.


Scampi: There’s news.


Peter: Where is this leading?


Scampi: Down the garden path, of course.


Peter: I see no garden.


Scampi: (sadly) No.




Scampi: On the bright side, gardening is a healthful practice. We could all stand to do some gardening.


Peter: And this is the bright side?


Scampi: It is. An order of new buds, sunny side up.


Peter: Oh.


Scampi: “Wow, the sun’s so far north, now.”


Peter: It is?


Scampi: I was quoting.


Peter: Quoth you.


Scampi: God wot. Or doth ‘e?


Peter: Duffy?


Scampi: Yes, Bob?


Peter: Pardon me?


Scampi: Oh, sorry. Do you prefer to be called Robert?


Peter: Absolutely not.


Scampi: Have it your way. The sun is setting.


Peter: That has nothing to do with me.


Scampi: It does if you’re where the action is.


Peter: Oh? And where is that?


Scampi: Sure ain’t in the east.


Peter: You are one of logic’s finest.


Scampi: Do you really think so?


Peter: Ah.


Scampi: [PREENS.]


Peter: Really.


Scampi: What?


Peter: Is this demonstration quite necessary?


Scampi: Necessary! What kind of a demonstration would that be?


Peter: A useful one.


Scampi: In your dreams, buster. This is a gratuitous display, thank you very much.


Peter: Oh, don’t thank me.


Scampi: I insist.


Peter: For a change.


Scampi: Snip snap. You’re quite the clippership today.




Scampi: What are you trying to do there? Molt?


Peter: I am not paying attention.


Scampi: Well, you should probably start. Unless you’re in the market for an emergency tracheotomy.


Peter: Certainly not.


Scampi: Good. Your body is your tempest.


Peter: Temple.


Scampi: Um—forehead!


Peter: Pardon?


Scampi: You lose!


Peter: At what?


Scampi: Word association, of course. Ho, ho.


Peter: There is nothing admirable in grandstanding.


Scampi: Yeah, sure. There’s nothing fun in having no fun.


Peter: [GROANS.]


Scampi: Jeez, Peter. There’s a difference between a tautology (garden variety) and like, a poisoned spear.


Peter: (weakly) I suppose.


Scampi: You do. Anyhow, speaking of gardens (once again), I am reminded of great joy.


Peter: How so?


Scampi: It’s the logical next step.




Scampi: I am reminded of the profound feeling of great joy that neither of us is currently experiencing.


Peter: What sort of a statement is that?


Scampi: An accurate one.


Peter: I really have to protest.


Scampi: As well you should. We should be howling from the rooftops.


Peter: How utterly undignified.


Scampi: Don’t talk about yourself that way.




Scampi: Look over there!


Peter: [SQUINTS.]


Scampi: Gorgeous!


Peter: I am probably not the first to inform you of the detrimental effects of staring into the sun.


Scampi: Probably. Anyway, I wasn’t pointing at the sun.


Peter: I see.


Scampi: I was looking underneath it.


Peter: Underneath it?


Scampi: Yes. At the flowers.


Peter: I see no flowers.


Scampi: Yet.


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