pt 110: THE NUMBERS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

Scampi: Ai.

Peter: This is a strange noise.

Scampi: Please, don’t mind me.

Peter: Okay.

Scampi: I would like to discuss some of the socio-politico-geodesical implications.

Peter: As you know, I am apolitical.

Scampi: This is nothing to be proud of.

Peter: I didn’t say that!

Scampi: What?

Peter: Wait, did you say “geodesical”?

Scampi: And?  What if I did?

Peter: I don’t understand.

Scampi: What else is new?

PAUSE.

Scampi: Remember when we were talking about pirates?

Peter: On numerous occasions.

Scampi: Incorrect.  Anyway, I’m not interested in having a conversation about murder, and that sort of thing.  I am interested in having a conversation about ADVENTURE ON THE HIGH SEAS.

Peter: You had planned to reprovision in Madagascar.

Scampi: Peter!

Peter: Yes?

Scampi: You do remember our conversations!

Peter: This should not be a surprise.

Scampi: Well, you know what a geodesic dome is, of course.

Peter: I do.

Scampi: Those things are great.

Peter: Innately?

Scampi: Have you ever seen one that wasn’t great?

Peter: Great how?

Scampi: Like, Oh, excellent, a geodesic dome!

Peter: Uh.

Scampi: Ha!  You see?

Peter: You are certainly in a mood.

Scampi: I am not.  Jerk.

Peter: Pardon me?

Scampi: You know what else?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Familiarity breeds contempt.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: So, obviously I’m not in a mood.  As you put it.

Peter: I fail to see the sense in this line of reasoning.

Scampi: Maybe you should get your eyes checked.

Peter: SIGHS.

Scampi: Don’t sigh at me.

PAUSE.

SCAMPI SIGHS LOUDLY.

Scampi: Haw haw.  Now I see why you sigh all the time.

Peter: Excuse me?

Scampi: It’s fun!

SCAMPI SIGHS FIVE TIMES IN A ROW.

Scampi: I could be a professional!

Peter: [inadvertently] SIGHS.

Scampi: Ahahahahahaha!  Amazing.

PAUSE.

Scampi: I’m sure you would enjoy the life of a buccaneer.

Peter: I am very distracted by all the important work I have to do.

Scampi: This would be true, if you were a buccaneer.  Imagine what we would call our boat.

Peter: Our boat?

Scampi: Yes, our boat.  Oh, was that a name suggestion?

Peter: No.

Scampi: I like it.  In lettering on the prow – what kind of lettering, do you think?

Peter: Roman.

Scampi: No, no.  I am asking about the font.

Peter: I have no idea.

Scampi: Well, how about Comic Sans, then?

Peter: No!

Scampi: I knew you had an opinion on this.

Peter: We do not have a boat.

Scampi: We don’t have one yet.  Per se.

Peter: We don’t have one at all.

Scampi: Untrue!

Peter: I am feeling restless.

Scampi: Perfect.

Peter: I want to go for a walk.

Scampi: You can go for a walk once we land on the Malabar Coast.

Peter: Of India?

Scampi: Where did you think we were going?  Sudetenland?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Look at the sunset.  It is a sad sight.

Peter: It is a gaseous orb.

Scampi: That’s what I said.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: When the light is gone, it will get cold very quickly.

pt 122: EMBRACEABLE YOU

Scampi: Let me get this straight.

 

Peter: Is there a time limit on this activity?

 

Scampi: Good point.  Now we know why you sigh so much.

 

Peter: Why is that?

 

Scampi: SIGHS.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: Ah.  Still got it.

 

Peter: What are you doing?

 

Scampi: Nothing.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: Have we given up on existence?  Because I haven’t.

 

Peter: What?

 

Scampi: You sure are touchy today.

 

Peter: Do excuse me.

 

Scampi: Perhaps.  Guess what I’m doing?

 

Peter: No thankyou.

 

Scampi: I’m fashioning a bailing bucket out of an old household cleaner container.  What do you think of that?

 

Peter: Ingenious.

 

Scampi: Yes.  You can’t leave the shore without a bailing bucket.

 

Peter: Are you boating somewhere?

 

Scampi: It never hurts to be prepared.

 

PETER WINCES.

 

Scampi: Well, I suppose it sometimes hurts a little.  In any case, we can leave this for the international criminal courts to adjudicate!

 

Peter [dully]: Yes.

 

Scampi: You’re not even listening to me.

 

Peter: True.  I am not.

 

Scampi: Humph.  It’s as though there are no thoughts in my head.

 

Peter: Unusual.

 

Scampi: It is unusual.  I am not a concrete brick wall.

 

Peter: Did someone say you were?

 

Scampi: Yes: you did.

 

Peter: I did no such thing.

 

Scampi: Did, too.

 

Peter: This is incorrect.

 

Scampi: You wish.  What would you wish for?

 

Peter: I am not a wishing man.

 

Scampi: I am not a wishing well.

 

PETER CHUCKLES BITTERLY.

 

Scampi: Jeez.  Maybe you should take a chill pill.

 

Peter: None were available.

 

Scampi: The animals have gone to the river.  Why do you think that is?

 

Peter: They are likely thirsty.

 

Scampi: Yes, likely.

 

PAUSE.

 

Peter [suspiciously]: Wait, what animals?

 

Scampi: Oh, you know.  It’s watering time, of course.  We must all drink our fill.

 

Peter: SIGHS.

 

Scampi: Did you ever think of doing anything?

 

Peter [sharply]: What do you mean by that?

 

Scampi: Oh, nothing.  Would you like to lie in the grass while I explore the apple orchard?

 

Peter: What apple orchard?

 

Scampi: This one.

 

Peter: It’s snowing.

 

Scampi: Those are macintosh blossoms.  Golden delicious.

 

Peter: It is wintertime.

 

Scampi: Tell that to the orchard.

 

PETER CLOSES HIS EYES.

 

Scampi: That’s the spirit.  I’m going to check on the view from the treetops.

 

Peter: Yes, do.

 

Scampi: Ahoy!  Bluebirds and grey skies ahead!  Man the pommey-slicer!  Steady down below!

 

Peter [lazily]: That doesn’t mean anything.

 

Scampi: Then why are you smiling?

 

Peter: Did you just dump snow on my head?

 

Scampi: Apple blossoms.

 

Peter: Ah.

 

Scampi: Let’s stay all afternoon.

 

Peter: Impossible.

 

Scampi: How so?

 

Peter: It’s already dark out.

 

Scampi: Certainly not.

 

Peter: Why do you want to stay here?

 

Scampi: Why don’t you?

 

Peter: I didn’t say that.

 

Scampi: All afternoon.

 

Peter: Right.

 

Scampi: Because it’s beautiful.

 

Peter: Ah.

 

Scampi: Because we can.