Month: May 2014

pt 117: O YE DAUGHTERS

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Scampi: I have come to these several conclusions.

Peter: It is rather early.

Scampi: No, it isn’t.  Or do you mean premature?

Peter: It is eight o’clock in the morning.

Scampi: No, it isn’t.

Peter: Currently.  Yes it is.

Scampi: Peter, that isn’t true.

PETER CONSULTS A TIMEPIECE.

Peter: Ah.  Well perhaps it is noon.

Scampi: Or nightfall.  In any event, the conclusions are the same.

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: Inconclusive.  That’s what they are.

Peter: That certainly clears things up.

Scampi: Yes.  My heart is full.

Peter: Of what?

Scampi: Shiny treasures.

Peter (eagerly): Treasures?

Scampi: Well, no.  An assortment of items, really.

Peter: Ah.  Items.

Scampi: Have you ever inadvertently put a solid object in the laundry with your clothes?

Peter: My clothes are solid objects.

Scampi: No, no.  You know what I mean: something that makes a thunking noise.

Peter: I know what a thunking noise is.

Scampi: How ridiculous.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Well, that’s the noise I’m thinking of.

Peter: Good for you.

Scampi: This remains to be seen.  Can you tell me why you’re such an assiduous ignorer of history?

Peter: I did not come here to be insulted.

Scampi: Come here?  Nobody came here.  I was just wondering.

Peter: I do not ignore history.

Scampi: Of course not!  You just don’t pay any attention to it.

Peter: Ahem.

Scampi: Nothing wrong with that.

Peter: Could we please change the topic of discussion?

Scampi: Naturally.

PAUSE.

Scampi: You first.

Peter: I have been observing my fingernails.

Scampi: You might do better to clean them.

Peter: I am currently in the observational phase.  These data may  be used for practical purposes at a later date.

Scampi: How scientific.

Peter: Indeed.

SCAMPI DRIFTS.

Peter: Were you sleeping just now?

Scampi: Perhaps.

pt 93: TACK DOWN!

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Scampi: This is unusual.

Peter: Mm.

Scampi: No, well, I guess it’s normal.  Actually.

Peter: Hm.

Scampi: Are you even listening to me?

Peter: Certainly.

Scampi: Suspect.

Peter: [highly insulted]

Scampi: I’m tired.

Peter: Have some coffee.

Scampi: I did.

Peter: Oh.  Well.

Scampi: You’re ignoring me.

Peter: I am not.

Scampi: You are you are you are.  You are.

Peter: Stop that.

Scampi: I have the strangest dreams.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Hello?

Peter: Yes?

Scampi: I can’t even sleep.

Peter: Is it not necessary that you fall asleep in order to dream?

Scampi: I dunno.

Peter: I believe it is.

Scampi: And what do you know about it?

Peter: I have a certain amount of knowledge.  At my disposal.

Scampi: A certain amount!  Humph.

Peter: Rapid eye movement.  The flowerings of the subconscious mind.

Scampi: Oh that.

Peter: What’s wrong with that?

Scampi: It has nothing to do with anything.

Peter: I believe this statement to be flawed.

Scampi: Ah, the fatal flaw!

Peter: Well.

Scampi: I can dream when I’m awake.

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: Yup.

Peter: Well, there you have it.

Scampi: Prove me wrong.

Peter: No, no.

Scampi: Just try.

Peter: I am not engaging with this.

Scampi: This?  Me?

Peter: The topic at hand.

Scampi: Oh, just back away.  That’s right.

Peter: Why must you needle me?

Scampi: Do not.

Peter: Read any good books lately?

Scampi: Yes.

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: Oh nothing.

PAUSE.

Scampi: You wouldn’t believe the things I see.

Peter: While dreaming?

Scampi: Whenever.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: You wouldn’t begin to know what to make of it.

Peter: I cannot say.

Scampi: No.

Peter: Of course, it is not as though I have never dreamed, myself.

Scampi: Almost.

Peter: Pardon?

Scampi: It’s almost that way.

Peter: Is that an insult?

Scampi: No.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: Can we take a nap?

Peter: It is the middle of the day.

Scampi: Who cares?

Peter: Well.

Scampi: Are your eyes closed?

Peter: No.

Scampi: Oh.

Peter: I am going to prepare some coffee.

Scampi: Gimme some.

Peter: You may have coffee as well, if you wish.

Scampi: Thank you.

Peter: You’re welcome.

Scampi: I’m going to go to sleep right now.

Peter: I would prefer if you didn’t.

Scampi: Why?

Peter: That is my preference.

Scampi: Are you glad we altered our course?

Peter: We altered our course?

Scampi: Yes.  Eastward.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: We go where the wind blows.

Peter: We appear to.

Scampi: This way.

Peter: East is fine.

Scampi: It had better be.

pt 139: KNIGHTS ERRANT

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Scampi: “Lucullus, when frugality could charm,/ Had roasted turnips in the Sabine farm”.

Plutarch: What?

Scampi: Oh! Ploo-tark.

Peter: What’s this?

Scampi: I thought we were having a classical moment.

PAUSE.

Scampi: No?

Peter: I am very busy with my important work.

Scampi: Oh. Okay.

PAUSE.

Scampi: I would like some ice cubes.  Do you have any ice cubes?

Peter: Yes.  I have seventy.

Scampi: Very nice.  I will take five.

Peter: Did you just throw five ice cubes onto the floor?

Scampi: No.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: I was juggling.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: Like you juggle your busy schedule: home, work, family, community.  You are a modern woman.

Peter: SIGHS.

Scampi: It’s all very vulgar of course.

Peter: Pardon?

Scampi: Giving in to the modern life. Better to retire to your country home, your concubines and four-legged friends.

Peter: Perhaps you have mistaken me for someone else.

Scampi: Impossible! You are Pewter, Vice Undersecretary to the Minster of the Interior.

Peter: Ah.

Scampi: You stand to make a fortune at the next Queen’s Plate with Secretariat, your namesake.

Peter: When did Secretariat win the Queen’s Plate?

Scampi: Well, he didn’t.

PAUSE.

Scampi: Anyway, it’s all very exhausting.

Peter: Galloping?

Scampi: Oh, everything.

PAUSE.

Peter: I am not a horse.

Scampi: I never said you were a horse.

Peter: Ahem.

Scampi: Well, I didn’t. Of course, we all have our problems.

Peter: Are you having problems?

Scampi: No!

Peter: I am also not having any.

Scampi: We have so much in common.

Peter: Yes.

Scampi: Why don’t we take a walk through the gardens and look at the flutterbys?

Peter: Pardon me?

Scampi: Danaus plexippus. The Monarch, no?

Peter: Oh?

Scampi: Oh, look, azaleas and shit.

Peter: Yes. Pungent.

Scampi: You know what that is?

Peter: A butterfly.

Scampi: Is it a scarce swallowtail?

Peter: Perhaps.

Scampi: Of course not. Let’s just stroll through the King’s gardens, thinking of nothing.

Peter: Ah yes.  The King.

Scampi: And you.

Peter: And I.

Scampi: You know, Peter, I’ve been thinking.

Peter: Is that not against the drift of this exercise?

Scampi: We can all get some exercise of course. I’m not stopping anyone.

Peter: Naturally.

Scampi: Sometimes the plants are very lonely, the way they’re set up.  And sometimes all bunched together.  See?

Peter: Indeed. Horticulture.

Scampi: I’m not talking about a kitchen garden here. Rows of beans and such.

Peter: I never claimed that you were.

Scampi: Right. Sometimes my mind is a tangle of roses.

PAUSE.

Scampi: What are you going to do about that? I’d like to know.

Peter: I hadn’t planned on anything.

Scampi: I should think not.

PAUSE.

Scampi: A tangle of roses, I’m telling you. Peach trees.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: Well, Peter. I certainly hope that you do.

pt 132.5: SECUELAS

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SCAMPI WATERS THE PLANTS.

Peter: Argh!

Scampi: Oh, Peter.  You’re awake.

Peter: Did you just dump a glass of water on my face?

Scampi: Uh.

Peter: [SPUTTERS.]

Scampi: I was experimenting.

Peter: I see.

Scampi: Hey, that was fun.  Go back to sleep.

Peter: No, thank you.