Scampi: I, for one, have no problem discussing things that aren’t there.


Peter: Isn’t that called gossiping?


Scampi: Not at all. Gossiping is discussing people that aren’t there.


Peter: I agree.


Scampi: But I said things. Things.


Peter: So, you like to gossip about things.


Scampi: You are deliberately obfuscating my purposes.


Peter: How dare you.


Scampi: Ditto.


Peter: I didn’t realise you were in such a foul mood today.


Scampi: And this is how you achieve détente? Honestly.


Peter: Détente?


Scampi: Oh, I’m sorry. That entry in your lexicon has probably been hacked out. With a pair of plastic children’s arts and crafts scissors. Probably.


Peter: With what?


Scampi: Forget it.


Peter: How can I forget it if I don’t know what it is?


Scampi: [Nice use of italics. Copycat.]


Peter: Excuse me?


Scampi: Nice weather we’re having.


Peter: Uh.


Scampi: Fancy a trip to the ballet?


Peter: What, now?


Scampi: Why the hell not, Peter?


Peter: There’s no need to say my name so…..


Scampi: Acidly?


Peter: Well, yes.


Scampi: I wasn’t.


Peter: Oh.


Scampi: I would never use your own name as a weapon against you.


Peter: Well, that’s a comfort.


Scampi: I was merely suggesting that perhaps a trip to the ballet’s in order.


Peter: Okay.


Scampi: Perfect. I shall book our tickets presently.


Peter: That is to say, I must first consult my schedule—


Scampi: There is a hard k sound in that word, I’ll have you know.


Peter: Perhaps I have a previous engagement. And of course, today may not be—


Scampi: Right.


Peter: You see.


Scampi: A simple ‘no’ would suffice.


Peter: When has a simple ‘no’ sufficed with you? May I be so presumptuous as to inquire?


Scampi: You wouldn’t know if it had.


Peter: Well, when has it?


Scampi: When last you tried it. And when was that?


Peter: Well, I—


Scampi: Bingo!


Peter: Are you calling me a hound?


Scampi: In a manner of speaking.




Scampi: Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of sunsets lately.


Peter: [murmurs.]


Scampi: Not that you care. But I have been present for a number of them. Setting suns. Well, I don’t always see them. But I know what’s going on.


Peter: When?


Scampi: When the sun sets. Like, I might not be watching the colour.


Peter: Fascinating.


Scampi: Yes. Nonetheless, I know night’s coming on.


Peter: It is?


Scampi: It has been. It was.


Peter: Is this a grammar review?


Scampi: Probably. With bonus background squalor.


Peter: Such as?


Scampi: The racket of crows. Racketeering.


Peter: But that means –


Scampi: I know what racketeering means, Maestro. Jay-sus.


Peter: I believe you just called me Maestro.


Scampi: I’d like to see you prove that in a court of law.


Peter: I could.


Scampi: No doubt. I am waiting, on tenterhooks, as they say.


Peter: I feel you are making a mockery.


Scampi: Of what, your legal aspirations?


Peter: No,


Scampi: Litigation’s not your strong suit, I don’t think.


Peter: I never said it was.


Scampi: Yes. And I’m saying it isn’t.


Peter: The accuracy of your judgment has been called into question before.


Scampi: By who? The invisible magistrate you’re busy romancing with your silver tongue?


Peter: Pardon me?


Scampi: Ha! Pardoned, my lord!


Peter: Really.


Scampi: Perambulation, now. This could be your strong suit.


Peter: I am an excellent walker.


Scampi: And a shameless braggart, to boot.


Peter: Are you speaking of me?


Scampi: Har. Not at all, not at all. I am speaking around you. Do you know what they call this?


Peter: Yes.


Scampi: That’s right. Circumlocution. Like a choo-choo train in the 1800s.


Peter: I object.


Scampi: Sustained!


Peter: That’s enough of that, that,


Scampi: Sustained, I say! Case closed!


Peter: Uh huh.


Scampi: Congratulations, counsel.


Peter: (flattered) Well, thank you.


Scampi: You are an excellent specimen of human elasticity!


Peter: Oh. I.


Scampi: A barrister of note! A solicitudinous solicitor!


Peter: Yes well.


Scampi: In light of your great achievements, I would hereby like to call you to the bar!


Peter: Wait, doesn’t that happen before—


Scampi: The COFFEE BAR!


Peter: What?


Scampi: Pardon? Or would you like some tea?


Peter: In fact, I would.


Scampi: Is that all? Why didn’t you say so in the first place?


Peter: I don’t know.


Scampi: One pot o’ tea, coming right up.


Peter: Ah.


Scampi: Let me just put the kettle on.


Peter: Rather.


Scampi: Oh look!


Peter: Yes?


Scampi: The sun is setting.


Peter: Correct.


Scampi: The colours. At the risk of repeating myself.


Peter: You brave that precipice regularly.


Scampi: I do.


Peter: Yes.


Scampi: It is a risk I am willing to take.


Peter: It is.


Scampi: I do love the colours, Peter.


Peter: I know you do.


Scampi: I love them every time.


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