Scampi: If you are searching for a safe harbour, let me give you some advice.


Peter: What could possibly entice you to believe that I am in need of a harbour?


Scampi: So, you don’t want my advice?


Peter: That is not what I said.


Scampi: So you do want my advice.


Peter: Well,


Scampi: I advise you, most firstly, to identify what it is you wish to be safe from, before you start ferreting around amongst the breakwaters.


Peter: Ahem. I would like to advise you, most firstly –


Scampi: What a strange way of putting things.


Peter: Pardon me?


Scampi: Not that we all couldn’t use a little shelter from the storm. This theme has been rigorously explored in popular song.




Scampi: Don’t try hoaxing me. You know all about it.




Scampi: Oh, are the robins out?


Peter: What’s that?


Scampi: Doctors have been known to do good work.


Peter: Well, yes.


Scampi: Doctor Grenfell, for example.


Peter: Yes.


Scampi: I know that you do not know who that is.


Peter: That is not the accurate statement it purports to be.


Scampi: Purports! What’s that, the noise a tortoise makes when it walks?


Peter: Absurd.


Scampi: Doctor Grenfell worked in Labrador. He was a helper, you know.


Peter: Helping is important.


Scampi: For those who take the Hippopotamus Oaf, it is.


Peter: Now, really.


Scampi: What? What?


Peter: I refuse to rise to this bait.


Scampi: I like how the Hypostatic Oak functions as bait, to you. Such a gulping carp, you are.


Peter: [Hippocratically] I am not a carp.


Scampi: And I am not a hypocrite. Tee hee.




Scampi: Naturally, fish do not have legs.


Peter: Tadpoles do.


Scampi: Tadpoles are not fish. And neither are we, for that matter.


Peter: Fishy.


Scampi: Hee haw. How galvanising. Peter Punster’s back in action!


Peter: That is not my surname.


Scampi: Oh, really?


Peter: Really.


Scampi: What is your surname, then?


Peter: I decline to mention it.


Scampi: Got something to hide, have we?


Peter: No.


Scampi: Trying to be all incognito, I see. Are you looking for work as a private eye, perhaps?


Peter: I am not. Each pronoun is as private as the next, to my way of thinking.


Scampi: Such a clever detective.


Peter: I am not a detective.


Scampi: Agreed. No doubt you are simply looking for a place to rest.


Peter: I?


Scampi: Aye.




Peter: What’s that?


Scampi: Calm down. It’s just the sound of the water.


Peter: What water?


Scampi: Relax. Honestly.


Peter: There is nothing honest about an individual of my temperament engaging in relaxation.


Scampi: [CHORTLES.]


Peter: I do not see what is so terribly funny.


Scampi: This may well be the icing on the cake.




Scampi: You know when you have a thought, and a lightbulb illuminates above your head?


Peter: I am not a cartoon.


Scampi: Really?


Peter: [uncomfortably] Yes.


Scampi: You know, you should stop defining yourself in negative terms. It can’t be good for your constitution.


Peter: SIGHS.


Scampi: Always a-sighing, like a maiden on the seashore.




Peter: Eh? What?


Scampi: [reflectively] I suppose we have Nikola Tesla to thank for that.


Peter: Stop being so reflective. It hurts my eyes.


Scampi: Sorry.


Peter: Yes well.


Scampi: We can help each other, of course.


Peter: Theoretically.


Scampi: That’s what friends are for.


Peter: Who told you this?


Scampi: A little bird.


Peter: A bird?


Scampi: Right. Phylum: Chordata.


Peter: Ah ha.


Scampi: Backbone is important.


Peter: When classifying animals.


Scampi: Or when lost at sea.


Peter: Are we lost at sea? Is that what you’re saying?


Scampi: No, no.


Peter: Oh. Ok.


Scampi: Wouldn’t I tell you if we were?


Peter: Uh. Yes?


Scampi: This is a beautiful English word.


Peter: It is?


Scampi: Yes.


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