Scampi: If you are searching for a safe harbour, let me give you some advice.
Peter: What could possibly entice you to believe that I am in need of a harbour?
Scampi: So, you don’t want my advice?
Peter: That is not what I said.
Scampi: So you do want my advice.
Scampi: I advise you, most firstly, to identify what it is you wish to be safe from, before you start ferreting around amongst the breakwaters.
Peter: Ahem. I would like to advise you, most firstly –
Scampi: What a strange way of putting things.
Peter: Pardon me?
Scampi: Not that we all couldn’t use a little shelter from the storm. This theme has been rigorously explored in popular song.
Peter: [SNIFFING ARISTOCRATICALLY.] Popular song?
Scampi: Don’t try hoaxing me. You know all about it.
PETER STROLLS THROUGH THE ENGLISH GARDEN IN HIS HEAD.
Scampi: Oh, are the robins out?
Peter: What’s that?
Scampi: Doctors have been known to do good work.
Peter: Well, yes.
Scampi: Doctor Grenfell, for example.
Scampi: I know that you do not know who that is.
Peter: That is not the accurate statement it purports to be.
Scampi: Purports! What’s that, the noise a tortoise makes when it walks?
Scampi: Doctor Grenfell worked in Labrador. He was a helper, you know.
Peter: Helping is important.
Scampi: For those who take the Hippopotamus Oaf, it is.
Peter: Now, really.
Scampi: What? What?
Peter: I refuse to rise to this bait.
Scampi: I like how the Hypostatic Oak functions as bait, to you. Such a gulping carp, you are.
Peter: [Hippocratically] I am not a carp.
Scampi: And I am not a hypocrite. Tee hee.
Scampi: Naturally, fish do not have legs.
Peter: Tadpoles do.
Scampi: Tadpoles are not fish. And neither are we, for that matter.
Scampi: Hee haw. How galvanising. Peter Punster’s back in action!
Peter: That is not my surname.
Scampi: Oh, really?
Scampi: What is your surname, then?
Peter: I decline to mention it.
Scampi: Got something to hide, have we?
Scampi: Trying to be all incognito, I see. Are you looking for work as a private eye, perhaps?
Peter: I am not. Each pronoun is as private as the next, to my way of thinking.
Scampi: Such a clever detective.
Peter: I am not a detective.
Scampi: Agreed. No doubt you are simply looking for a place to rest.
THE LAPPING OF WAVES IS VERY CALMING, TO SOME.
Peter: What’s that?
Scampi: Calm down. It’s just the sound of the water.
Peter: What water?
Scampi: Relax. Honestly.
Peter: There is nothing honest about an individual of my temperament engaging in relaxation.
Peter: I do not see what is so terribly funny.
Scampi: This may well be the icing on the cake.
Scampi: You know when you have a thought, and a lightbulb illuminates above your head?
Peter: I am not a cartoon.
Peter: [uncomfortably] Yes.
Scampi: You know, you should stop defining yourself in negative terms. It can’t be good for your constitution.
Scampi: Always a-sighing, like a maiden on the seashore.
A WORDSWORTH-SHAPED LIGHTBULB ILLUMINES ABOVE PETER’S HEAD.
Peter: Eh? What?
Scampi: [reflectively] I suppose we have Nikola Tesla to thank for that.
Peter: Stop being so reflective. It hurts my eyes.
Peter: Yes well.
Scampi: We can help each other, of course.
Scampi: That’s what friends are for.
Peter: Who told you this?
Scampi: A little bird.
Peter: A bird?
Scampi: Right. Phylum: Chordata.
Peter: Ah ha.
Scampi: Backbone is important.
Peter: When classifying animals.
Scampi: Or when lost at sea.
Peter: Are we lost at sea? Is that what you’re saying?
Scampi: No, no.
Peter: Oh. Ok.
Scampi: Wouldn’t I tell you if we were?
Peter: Uh. Yes?
Scampi: This is a beautiful English word.
Peter: It is?