pt 131: BREAKWATER

Scampi: If you are searching for a safe harbour, let me give you some advice.

 

Peter: What could possibly entice you to believe that I am in need of a harbour?

 

Scampi: So, you don’t want my advice?

 

Peter: That is not what I said.

 

Scampi: So you do want my advice.

 

Peter: Well,

 

Scampi: I advise you, most firstly, to identify what it is you wish to be safe from, before you start ferreting around amongst the breakwaters.

 

Peter: Ahem. I would like to advise you, most firstly –

 

Scampi: What a strange way of putting things.

 

Peter: Pardon me?

 

Scampi: Not that we all couldn’t use a little shelter from the storm. This theme has been rigorously explored in popular song.

 

Peter: [SNIFFING ARISTOCRATICALLY.] Popular song?

 

Scampi: Don’t try hoaxing me. You know all about it.

 

PETER STROLLS THROUGH THE ENGLISH GARDEN IN HIS HEAD.

 

Scampi: Oh, are the robins out?

 

Peter: What’s that?

 

Scampi: Doctors have been known to do good work.

 

Peter: Well, yes.

 

Scampi: Doctor Grenfell, for example.

 

Peter: Yes.

 

Scampi: I know that you do not know who that is.

 

Peter: That is not the accurate statement it purports to be.

 

Scampi: Purports! What’s that, the noise a tortoise makes when it walks?

 

Peter: Absurd.

 

Scampi: Doctor Grenfell worked in Labrador. He was a helper, you know.

 

Peter: Helping is important.

 

Scampi: For those who take the Hippopotamus Oaf, it is.

 

Peter: Now, really.

 

Scampi: What? What?

 

Peter: I refuse to rise to this bait.

 

Scampi: I like how the Hypostatic Oak functions as bait, to you. Such a gulping carp, you are.

 

Peter: [Hippocratically] I am not a carp.

 

Scampi: And I am not a hypocrite. Tee hee.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: Naturally, fish do not have legs.

 

Peter: Tadpoles do.

 

Scampi: Tadpoles are not fish. And neither are we, for that matter.

 

Peter: Fishy.

 

Scampi: Hee haw. How galvanising. Peter Punster’s back in action!

 

Peter: That is not my surname.

 

Scampi: Oh, really?

 

Peter: Really.

 

Scampi: What is your surname, then?

 

Peter: I decline to mention it.

 

Scampi: Got something to hide, have we?

 

Peter: No.

 

Scampi: Trying to be all incognito, I see. Are you looking for work as a private eye, perhaps?

 

Peter: I am not. Each pronoun is as private as the next, to my way of thinking.

 

Scampi: Such a clever detective.

 

Peter: I am not a detective.

 

Scampi: Agreed. No doubt you are simply looking for a place to rest.

 

Peter: I?

 

Scampi: Aye.

 

THE LAPPING OF WAVES IS VERY CALMING, TO SOME.

 

Peter: What’s that?

 

Scampi: Calm down. It’s just the sound of the water.

 

Peter: What water?

 

Scampi: Relax. Honestly.

 

Peter: There is nothing honest about an individual of my temperament engaging in relaxation.

 

Scampi: [CHORTLES.]

 

Peter: I do not see what is so terribly funny.

 

Scampi: This may well be the icing on the cake.

 

PAUSE.

 

Scampi: You know when you have a thought, and a lightbulb illuminates above your head?

 

Peter: I am not a cartoon.

 

Scampi: Really?

 

Peter: [uncomfortably] Yes.

 

Scampi: You know, you should stop defining yourself in negative terms. It can’t be good for your constitution.

 

Peter: SIGHS.

 

Scampi: Always a-sighing, like a maiden on the seashore.

 

A WORDSWORTH-SHAPED LIGHTBULB ILLUMINES ABOVE PETER’S HEAD.

 

Peter: Eh? What?

 

Scampi: [reflectively] I suppose we have Nikola Tesla to thank for that.

 

Peter: Stop being so reflective. It hurts my eyes.

 

Scampi: Sorry.

 

Peter: Yes well.

 

Scampi: We can help each other, of course.

 

Peter: Theoretically.

 

Scampi: That’s what friends are for.

 

Peter: Who told you this?

 

Scampi: A little bird.

 

Peter: A bird?

 

Scampi: Right. Phylum: Chordata.

 

Peter: Ah ha.

 

Scampi: Backbone is important.

 

Peter: When classifying animals.

 

Scampi: Or when lost at sea.

 

Peter: Are we lost at sea? Is that what you’re saying?

 

Scampi: No, no.

 

Peter: Oh. Ok.

 

Scampi: Wouldn’t I tell you if we were?

 

Peter: Uh. Yes?

 

Scampi: This is a beautiful English word.

 

Peter: It is?

 

Scampi: Yes.

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