Scampi: Peter, did you know that Annie Oakley could split a playing card edge-on at a distance of ninety feet?
Scampi: With a twenty-two. You know, like a gun.
Peter: I would like to submit that I abhor violence.
Scampi: Yes yes. But she was a sharpshooter, like a marksman. Markswoman. In Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show. No violence.
Scampi: So, this playing card. Apparently Annie Oakley could put five or six more holes in it before it hit the ground.
Peter: So she didn’t like cards.
Scampi: This is a disingenuous response to what is in fact an extraordinary feat of hand-eye coordination. You know, what you use to play video games.
Peter: I do not.
SCAMPI SCOWLS AT PETER, MENACINGLY.
Peter: Did you just give me the finger?
Scampi: No. Jeez, go back to what you were doing.
Scampi: What were you doing, anyway?
Peter (sighs): I am currently using my laptop to hack the mainframe.
Peter: Look, I’ll explain later.
Scampi: Fine. Be that way.
Peter (patiently): You will like it. I promise.
Scampi: Fine fine. Ok.
Scampi: You know what else about Annie Oakley?
Peter: No. What else about Annie Oakley?
Scampi: She was married to a man.
Peter: Call the papers!
Scampi: I wasn’t finished. When she died, of pernicious anaemia, her husband stopped eating. Frank Butler. Which was his name. He just stopped eating, and he died eighteen days later.
Peter: Can you source any of these statements?
Scampi: Maybe you should go use your laptop to hack the mainframe of the Tree of Knowledge.
Scampi: Nothing. Death is pernicious, isn’t it?
Peter (yawning): It certainly seems that way.
Scampi: I want a twenty-two.
Peter: I feel that this would likely cause great damage to yourself. Not to mention me.
Scampi: Says you.
Peter: Yes. This is what I say.
Scampi: Many years ago, when airplanes were new, what do you think they looked like?
Peter: I know what they looked like. One does not require, ahem, excellent research skills to procure images of the Wright Brothers in action, for example.
Scampi: No, I mean what do you think they looked like? To the people?
Peter: Like airplanes.
Scampi: But there weren’t any airplanes before.
Scampi: Before that. So they wouldn’t of looked like airplanes at all. They would’ve looked like something completely new.
Scampi: I know what I know, Peter.
Scampi: Stop! No philosophy!
Scampi: I hate philosophy.
Peter: No comment.
Scampi (sotto voce): And I hate you.
Peter: What did you say?
Peter: You know—
Scampi: No, really. Nothing at all. I was just, ah, thinking out loud.
Peter: I think you should get some sleep.
Scampi: Yeah ok. Goodnight, Peter.
Scampi: Do you think we’ll make it over the border?
Scampi: Just curious.
Scampi: What if we don’t?
Peter: Go to sleep.
Scampi: I am. But what if?
Scampi: Sorry. Nothing.
Scampi: Annie Oakley didn’t have anything against playing cards.
Scampi: She was just being accurate.